February 16, 2008
Five Steps to Increase Your Chances at Relational Success!
In This article:
• Determining if you have the boyfriend blues
• Exploring your readiness for dating
• Taking concrete steps towards realizing your goal
Shaking his head and sounding frustrated, my twenty-something year old client suddenly blurted out, "You don't understand – I have been trying to land a boyfriend for awhile now. I keep going out to the bars, thinking I am going to meet Mr. Wonderful. Time and again, all I end up doing is spending money I don't have on drinks for guys who are either unavailable or not interested. I'm tired of the dating scene dude and have resigned myself to being single forever."
If you can relate to my client's situation, then there is a good chance you have got a bad case of the Boyfriend Blues . While not a clinical term, "Boyfriend Blues" is a twenty-five cent term to cover anyone who wants to have a boyfriend but despite trying hard, finds that they are perpetually single. I can tell you that this is a common phenomenon and that if you do have the Boyfriend Blues, you are not alone. So what would it be like to change your current dating situation and perhaps "land a man" … maybe even the guy of your dreams? Well, here are a few concrete steps that you can take to increase your chances of relational success and maybe even have a little fun.
STEPS TO BREAK FREE OF THE BOYFRIEND BLUES
1. Determine your relational readiness
Are you ready for a relationship? If you recently broke up with your significant other or are trying to process the collapse of your previous relationship, then you might want to reconsider your emotional availability to date. A good way of knowing that you are not ready is to examine your "first dates". If you found yourself talking about your X on a continual basis, then chances are you are not ready to start dating again. Plus for the other guy sitting across from you, it can be a real buzz-kill! Taking time to heal from your previous relationship will go along way towards increasing the chances of entering into a new relationship.
2. Involve yourself in activities that interest you
The bars are not the only place to meet someone new. What would it be like to become involved in a hobby that you enjoy and at the same time, be on the lookout for a possible "dating" opportunity? An example of this might be joining an art class or a sports team. You will already have something in common with others – which makes for great conversation on first dates!
3. You may have to be the first one to say hello
When you do see a person that you would like to get to know better, you may need to be the one to say hello first. It would be great if the guy you liked ran right up to you with flowers and said, "Hi my name is Joe and I've been waiting for you all my life." But that only happens on really bad episodes of Fantasy Island (OK they are all bad episodes). Still, don't expect that eye contact going on between the two of you will somehow magically cause him to run up to you and make an introduction. In short, you might have to take a risk and be the first one to say "Hi".
4. Get to know the guy
This step means taking the time to learn more about him as a person and not what you project onto him. For example, just because he looks like Brad Pitt does not mean that he is loaded with money or lives a certain lifestyle. And just because he appears shy does not mean that he doesn't know how to have fun or that he lacks confidence. Remember that all relationships take time to grow. Why cut off any possibilities based on one or two encounters? On a related note, don't forget that it's OK to "get to know" two or three people all at once. No – this doesn't mean cheating! It means that dating (at least in the very beginning) does not necessarily have to mean an all or nothing approach with just one person.
5. Be a good listener
It's easy to get caught up in talking about oneself during a first encounter. It's only natural to want to share information about yourself in a way that puts you in the best possible light. But sometimes talking too much about yourself can creep the guy out. Does he really need to know how much money you spent on those fabulous jeans and button down shirt? In short, letting him talk about himself can go along way in increasing his curiosity about you. A little mystery about who you are can sometimes be a good thing!
So there you have it – five steps for breaking out of the Boyfriend Blues. By assessing your relational readiness, taking some risks and changing your overall approach, you may be able to increase your chances at the slot machine called "dating". At the very least, you might grow as a person and have some fun along the way. What do you have to lose?