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November 11, 2004

Ask Hey You

BY
ASK HEY YOU

Hey you,
My partner and I have been seeing each other for three months, he doesn't seem interested in sex with me anymore. What should I do? He said that he just isn't in the mood; that he is going through a depression.
Otherwise he's a great guy.

Happily frustrated (?)

Hey “Happily frustrated (?)”

Oh lord, he’s not putting out already after 3 months? Honey, what’s so great about that?? This is the prime of your relationship, the 1st year is like you’re honeymoon and then after that, the rest just becomes routine. So my point is, if he’s like this during the honeymoon, well I think you can figure out the rest from here.

Hey You,

How do you break off a relationship and remain friends?

Signed,
Stuck

Hey “Stuck”

YOU DON’T! Well, you can but it’s not going to work unless the other truly wants to JUST be friends. You need to be honest with yourself, do you REALLY want to be friends because you want this person in your life, or is it for the sake of your own guilt? If your partner isn’t agreeing with the break up, mostly likely he/she will agree with a friendship as a way to hold on. Hoping that your feelings will come back and there can be a 2nd chance.

My honest advice is to break it off completely and let this person move on, even if you do truly want a friendship. If there is a true friendship to be had, then that person will seek you when they are over you and/or have accepted that it’s over. You need to face the reality though that most likely both of you will move on with your lives and not look back.

Hey you,
A former high school student of mine in Baltimore recently wrote me a letter and told me she has fallen in love and is so happy. She referred to her new partner using neutral pronouns like "they," and told me that she is thrilled to have met "this great person." I know she is reaching out to me as an ally and a trusted, supportive adult. She still attends the school where I met her - a school with a culture of violence and homophobia and, especially, violence CAUSED BY homophobia. I'm pretty sure she has avoided being "found out" so she is safe for now, unlike a former colleague of mine who was attacked almost every day. I feel terrible that this student has to hide her love and her happiness until she finally gets out. I was pretty ignorant myself in high school, so I am having a hard time figuring out what to write back to her. This may seem like a really stupid question, but should I wait for her to define her partner's sex and come out? Since she knows I'm cool, should I just start using the pronoun "she"? Should I simply ask for a picture of the lovely couple??
Also, how can I address the school situation that she is facing without seeming cynical or contributing to any fear she might have?

Signed,
Kate

Hey Kate,

I will say “they” most likely mean she’s with another woman. It seems like you probably already know this, but you are looking for some confirmation. “they” and/or “person” are the big words when not wanting to lie, but at the same time, not come straight out either..

She is trying to tell you, so you should just come out and ask her. I know when I first started accepting my lifestyle, I was the same using those same terms out of fear of what the other might feel and/or think, and I just wished there was a way for them to find out without me having to be the one to say “hey, by the way, I’m gay”. It would have just made life easier if they would just ask or just blend it into our life as if it was just like anything else. It takes time for one to get to that point where you can just be so open, so you can help her by being the one to help her come out to you. She will see how much support she will be getting from you, so it just will make it that much easier for the next person she wants to come out to.

In regards to the unfortunate surrounding she is faced with in her community/ school, I suggest to for her to start with her counselor. She needs to explain her fears, and seek help from the school in finding ways with dealing with the ignorance/ lack of knowledge of our lifestyles there. Unfortunately, it might not make a difference in her time while she’s attending, but it makes them aware and perhaps will help the next generation as it is a process to make people understand and see the realization of the hatred/discrimination put upon us.

You can also have her research info on support groups for teen gays; there are plenty of websites that can direct her to find them in her community. Here’s a link to start with: http://www.saim.us/resources.html

She is lucky to have you in her life; she will need all the support she can get in dealing with this next chapter in her life. Thank you!

 
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