Things have been so horrible lately I honest just want to crawl in a hole and die. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My best friend whom I had been taking care of passed away about a month ago which was very difficult for me. I just can’t seem to deal with all the different people that are coming after me from all sides.
Today I just got into another fight with my mother which left me crying at my desk It’s not that she said anything mean it’s just the way she so easily dismisses me and my feelings then accuses me for upsetting her.
I just really don’t get it. I look around at all these happy people and it just fills me with so much rage because I want to be like that but I can’t everybody expects certain things from me and I just can’t do it anymore. They aren’t expecting big things but more my emotional state. They act like I should be able to take anything and just let it slide off my back. I just can’t do it anymore I am literally dyeing inside waiting for the moment God will take me from this retched life.
I spent Thanksgiving with my friend T and his family. I really did have a great time it makes me feel so good to be part of a family celebration even though it isn’t my family especially since T’s family treats me with so much respect. I actually feel like I am not only welcome there but they actually enjoy having me unlike my family who would only have me because they felt they needed to. It is very hard for me not be with my family no matter how they treat me I still care about them. It doesn’t make it any easier when my parents make me feel guilty for not coming. Instead of trying to make me feel guilty for not going somewhere that I honestly don’t feel welcome why can’t they just once say something to my sibs who make me feel unwelcome.
I really am so tired of feeling so bad about myself all the time. Every single person around me is such a hypocrite none of them know what true friends or family are. I’m so sick of people just caring about themselves and what is going to affect them. No one is willing to take a stand for other people anymore. Me Me Me that’s all anyone ever cares about. I did call my father back and explain to him when he and my mom make me feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with people that don’t really want me to be part of their lives it makes me feel twice as worse. I know it went in one ear and out the other but at least I took a stand for me and made sure they knew exactly how I felt. I am not going to take the blame for everything bad in the family anymore simply because I am different than them and don’t feel the way they do in regards to politics etc. They have my number they can call me just as easily. These are hurtful hateful people who want everyone to think they are the most warm and caring people but when it comes down to it would sooner spit on you than welcome you in their home.
Generally when I get in these moods I internalize everything and block everyone out. I have a diseased friend who told me last week you shouldn’t shut out your friends they might surprise you. I explained I don’t want to give anyone else power over me. He said you won’t. So while I was really upset about my call with my dad today I texted him and he didn’t respond for two fckng hours. I forget he would have had to use his anytime minutes. That’s how I rate with my friends I am not even worth their anytime minutes it’s just awesome to be me isn’t it. I absolutely hate the holidays everybody is so fake and want you to think they care but no one does you are alone in this world and have to learn to deal with everything on your own because when it comes down to it nobody cares about you but you.
Happy Fckng Holidays everyone.
Don’t get me wrong I love my friends and at times they are there for me to a point. I say to a point because they are there as long as it doesn’t inconvience them. I am not an attractive man by any sense of the word. When i say this I mean by what most people would consider attractive. I do have some nice parts about me but for most people I wouldn’t be considered attractive. I mean i have a cute face and pretty eyes atleast atleast from what i have always been told. My mother has hazel eyes and my father has shit brown eyes which left me with a combination which can best be described as light brown although sometimes if the lighting is right they appear almost with a golden hue. The bad part is i am about 150 pounds over weight I am 5.6 and weigh about 285 pounds. I know i look like a beached whale. I always had a lot of self confidence this is mostly based on a very loving mother and the fact that at a young age i learned that if i cared about someone i will do whatever i can to spare them pain even it means my own pain and i will give them my last dollar if they need it.
When I was 16 I was completely in love with my best friend K. There is nothing I wouldn’t have done for him I often said I would follow him through the gates of hell if he asked me to. I probobly still would just for a kind word from him. It has been atleast ten years since we spoke and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. Well I am getting off point.
A little info about me I grew up in a nice neighborhood and safe we didn’t even have to lock our doors in fact we rarely ever did. Based on the district make up all us public school kids were bussed to the neighboring areas for school. I went to kindergarden, 1st, and 2nd grade two blocks from my house. 3rd, 4th, and 5th were in a school a couple of towns over not as nice as where I lived and 6th, 7th, and 8th a town further than that again not as great of an area where I lived. Based on this I knew a lot of kids from the wrong side of the tracks something that would help me in highschool.
Back to the main story. K and I were walking down the street I think I was 16 and he was 15 at the time it was during the summer and we were just hanging out. 3 car loads of guys came pulling up beside us that we went to school with. K had gotten into a fight with one of them the last day of school that year. They got out and knew me and said Trystan we have to deal with K so just stay out of the way. It was like a swith was turned off in my head and I wasn’t thinking I turned to K and said go home I will take care of this and call you later. Just so everyone knows I have never been in a fight I always have been blessed with large friends that faught my battles for me. K turned to leave and they started calling him pussy and such so he turned back. I told him go home I will take care of this. I went right up the ring leader and said you know who I am and you know who my friends are. If you try to hit K I will step in the way and you are going to hit me. I will go to the pool hall later and when everyone asks me what happened since I don’t believe in lying I will just have to tell them who hit me and we both know what will happen than. He said fine we will take off but tell K to leave our friend alone. The truth is their little idiot friend is the one that started the fight with K but like me he knew his friends would fight his battles for him. This story has been something I have always been proud of. That’s when I realized there is nothing I wouldn’t do for someone I cared about even if it meant I would be harmed due to protecting them. K and I don’t speak anymore he always knew I was gay and was fine with it as long as I was in the closet. I guess he just couldn’t deal with it when I came out. I don’t think he wanted anyone to know his best friend was a cock smoker. I have often blamed his parents for us not being together. I know he loved me but his parents were very religious.
What I miss most about my time with K is the fact that when I would catch him looking at me I could actually see the love he felt for me in his eyes. He had very blue eyes that were so expressive they could make you melt like butter just by the way he would look at you.
Anyway back to the main point of this blog, ever since that day on the street I have always had this great sense of self just knowing I have the courage to stair in the face of adversity for the ones I love. I have bent over backwards to give certain friends the last dollar I had so they could have something in their wallet. There is nothing I won’t due to save someone I care about from hardships. The problem comes in when you realize there is no one in your life that is willing to do that for you. I know this isn’t their fault and it’s my unrealistic expectations on them based on what I would do for them.
I often wonder if I will ever find someone that will care about me as much as I care about them but the truth is I am starting to lose hope. I guess I am still longing for the next K the way he made me feel about myself was unbelieveable there are many nights we would be in my room watching movies and drinking and I would just lay my head on his lap and he would stroke my hair. I always felt so safe when ever K was around like no one could hurt me and nothing could go wrong. It is a very special person that can make you feel that way.
It’s sad to realize more people don’t take the effort to make the ones they care about feel that way especially in the gay society. It seems everybody is simply looking for the next cock and not the person who is behind the cock.
I do have plenty of friends I can talk to when I get down but there are just sometimes all the talking in the world won’t help. Eventually it’s just you and your thoughts. I really never imagined in my worst nightmares that I would have such a terrible existence. I have the distinct honor of being the only child out of seven without a degree. I mean I have a high school diploma but even my idiot older brother has an associate’s degree. It may not seem like much but when you have strived your entire life to gain the love and acceptance of your family the littlest thing can seem like the biggest catastrophe. Even my issues aren’t that bad when you look at how most peoples’ lives are but they are huge to me since I can’t deal with them. Sometimes I just look around at my pathetic life and I just ask myself how. True I am gay in a family of republicans they just don’t see how much it hurts me to know the trivial reasons they vote republican when they are more than aware the people they are helping to put in power want nothing more than to make it legal to bring me and others like me in the middle of the street and stone us to death simply for attempting to live the life God set before us. I guess the reason I have such a hard time is I have always felt like I was a good person I’m the kind of person whey you are a friend of mine and someone I have let into my heart there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I am not even talking about a romantic kind of love I mean just the love of friendship. I have felt for the longest time that friendship is the purest kind of love. These are people that are in your life because you chose them to be and they chose you to be. Family is an accident of birth but friends we chose. I am here rambling because I guess I just don’t know any other way of dealing with my emotions. As I said earlier I have some great friends but sometimes I just don’t want people to know the kind of pain I am in every waking day of my life. Not all the time but when you really bare your soul to someone they just end of feeling sorry for you. This in itself is the biggest insult a person can give you. Already you are feeling bad about yourself and then you just feel ten times worse when you actually do let someone in and let them know how bad you feel. Their pity makes you feel even less like a person than you did before you told them. My name really isn’t Trystan Mendicino this is a name I chose because I know no one would ever be able to figure out these writings are mine. I guess the only ones that could ever figure it out would be my family but since none of them would ever go to a gay site I am pretty sure I am harmless. My friends don’t even know about this I wanted a place where I could vent and really think about the deepest thoughts I had without fear of hurting anyone or being judged by anyone.
For years my family has justified their horrible treatment of me simply by saying well your too sensitive. So I guess that means they can just talk to me anyway they want and have no guilt because I am too sensitive. I don’t understand that if I know someone I care about is sensitive about something than I make sure I am very careful around whatever the subject is. I mean really if you care for someone you don’t want to make them feel worse you want to make them feel better. A few months ago I was really upset and talking to a friend he said to me for 38 years you have been bending over backwards trying to get them to love and accept you and they still haven’t isn’t it time for you to just tell yourself you don’t accept them and their lifestyle make them be the ones that have to work for you love. It did feel good to hear that at first but the truth is they don’t want to work for my love because I truly feel they are happier when I am not around. A couple years I thought I would try something and stop going to family gatherings. The point of this was for two reasons it was to see how long it would take for them to realize that if they didn’t start treating me better I simply wasn’t going to be around anymore. The other part of this was I wanted to see how long it would take for someone to call me up and ask me how come I am never around anymore. No one ever called and no one ever asked I did start going back around for this and that but that just made me seem like a failure. I gave in as I usually do and the won. I am really going to try this time and just not go back if they are happier when I am not around I will give them their happiness no matter how much it hurts me. I do have one niece that actually asked me why I am never around anymore but I think that was more just so she could look like the hotshot I don’t think she really cared. I was wacked out on a rather high dosage of Paxil for 13 years until my body got used to it and I couldn’t take it anymore. During the Paxil days my family was very fortunate because even though I would get upset about the big things all the little things they do all the time didn’t bother me as much. I was telling a friend the other day about how I would give anything to have my Paxil days back and just be numb all the time. He said why would you want that and I said because sometimes I just can’t stand feeling. The pain is so intense sometimes I simply don’t know how I am going to get through it. The other problem is I love my mother so much I mean she really went through hell for her kids and she is the only person in this world who has ever truly loved me for me but lately all we do is fight. I have known for years that her way of dealing with things is ignore them until they go away. Always afraid of ending up like that I generally like to go at my problems full force never letting go for tomorrow what I get have taken care of today. This is also partially because when I know there is something bad coming the anticipation drives me crazy. I guess that is more than anything the reason I like to face my problems head on. The anticipation is always so much worse than whatever the problem is. My mother simply can’t see how horrible her children really can be. One of my sisters who is one of the major issues in my life her eldest daughters best friend is gay and my sister treats this kid like is the second coming of Jesus always making sure the kid knows he is always welcome in her home and he can come to her and talk anytime he needs to. My mother asked her one time why are you so good to that boy but so horrible to your brother. She actually told my mom it was because he is not her brother. So I take this as meaning you can be gay as long as you’re not in her family. How hypocritical can one person really be and how can they actually live with themselves.
Physically I am not a healthy person and not really sure how much more my body can take. I do nothing to help myself I guess the only way I will be able to make them see the pain they have caused me my whole life is simply to die before they have a chance to make amends.
I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day holds all I know is I am so sick of feeling bad all the time. So sick of struggling just to keep my head above water every day of my life. I’m not sure death would be such a bad thing at this point I would finally get to rest and not have to worry about the horrors that tomorrow will bring.
From the moment of my birth I had a strike against me. My mother was very close to her father who had died two months prior to my birth. Once I was born according to my older brothers and sisters my mom filled the void that he left when he died with me and it was like she had no other children. I can remember from earliest childhood always knowing that it was simply my place to take their mistreatment and verbal abuse and just accept it. The problem was that mother instilled in me such a strong sense of right and wrong. People who do wrong should be punished. Because of this I could never understand why it was my place to take abuse for being born but it is something I just did. My friends refer to me as a guilt machine because they know no matter what I am my own worse enemy because no matter how much I hurt someone the way to really get me is to make me feel guilty I will bend over backwards to make whatever I do wrong to someone right.
I lived for so long thinking you have to hide everything and never let anyone know the deep secrets that happened in your home. I lived like this for years before realizing one day I am not a bad person so why should I feel ashamed at being treated horribly by the people that are supposed to love me.
The gay thing didn’t start the issues I have with my family it just gave them an arsenal of ammunition to use against me.